When life by faith sucks.

So I've been job searching for 3 months now. I was only part-time before, so I wasn't making enough to have savings, and I've been scraping by. I tutor Spanish and English/Writing and I've done a couple of projects for social media marketing, and that's what I've lived on - that and God's grace. Every month, I haven't known how I was going to pay the bills, but God has always provided. And that's great, I've really had to learn to trust that He's got these details taken care of.

But when I got interviews with four different companies in two weeks, I thought all the waiting, all the anxiety with money, was over and DONE with. I started visualizing all the clothes I was going to buy (MAN have I missed shopping!), the money I was going to save, dinners I could take my boyfriend out to instead of him always having to pay...I worked out this whole budget. Why would you do that when you don't have a job offer, you ask? Well, my roommates say I'm not a pessimest, I'm not a realist, and I'm not even an optimist - I'm an idealist who acts like my fantasies are reality instead of just a possibility. I even bought perfume a few days ago (ah, the luxury!) because I assumed I'd have a job in a few days and wouldn't have to be so frugal. 

Then the e-mails started coming in - I didn't get the job at CMP; nor the job at buildasign.com; and I haven't even heard back from DMX when I was supposed to a week ago. So there's just one job left that I haven't heard from. My dreams have been shot, my fantasies ended, and what hope remains lies on a single job where I still have steep competition from three others. My anxiety has made every muscle taut with fear and frustration as the never-ending job search looms over me again. 

I know I should trust. I should surrender my worry and apparition of control over to the God who has so faithfully provided every step of the way. But walking by faith is exhausting. I feel drained, disappointed, disillusioned, discouraged. So where do I go from here? How do I respond? 

When we get to these places in our lives where we are faced with the reality of how little control we have over anything, we have a choice. We can fight to manipulate the situations and people that affect us through dedication or deceit, emotion or effort, talent or thought - but still face pain, heartache, and disappointment. Or, we can come to terms with the truth that we are not the gods of our worlds. There is too much that we cannot foresee or plan for, too much we cannot guard against. Death, disease, the economy, war, the thoughts/emotions/actions of others, car wrecks, plane crashes, whether or not our significant other will cheat on us, the weather...need I go on? When we are faced with the vast multitude of things we cannot control, we have to let go, or the sheer number of things to fear will overwhelm and defeat us where we stand. 

Yes, surrender of this magnitude to an unseen God with an unknown plan is frightening. But I know His character. I know that He loves me deeply, knows me intimately, and provides for me wisely. He recently gave me Romans 12:2, and told me to focus on Him (Is 26:3-4), and He would both give me peace even in the midst of all this uncertainty, and reveal "His good, perfect, pleasing will" to me. So yes, life by faith may really suck - especially right now - but I would not have it any other way. I'm not going to fight for a control I can never actually have and forfeit the peace offered me. 

New Year = Magic Powers

Well, I obviously lost all momentum in blogging...shocker. It IS the new year though...maybe I'll write more as a new year's resolution.

It's funny how often I've heard the phrase, "It's my new year's resolution" over the past week.  It's like the stars align in January and magically give us super powers to accomplish what we've put off for months - or years, if there wasn't enough "magic" in past new years' powers. So if it's to lose that stubborn 20 pounds, organize that hurricane of a desk, pay off that credit card, or just be a "better" person, we all seem to be divinely (though temporarily) inspired to better ourselves.

Obviously, January grants no celestial endowment of self-discipline (or whatever it is we find ourselves lacking). So it's like we all decided we need an annual "second chance" that would make now somehow different from before. This psychological trick then gives us that momentum that makes things seem easier. It's our temporal placebo that fools us into thinking some dreaded obstacle is more doable.

But then, perception is reality, right? So if we perceive said obstacle as suddenly attainable (even though nothing in reality has changed), perhaps the change in mindset is all the "magic powers" we need in order to accomplish something. So...huzzah for magic sugar pills and self-deception.

P.S. In case you're wondering, yes. I have a mental, unofficial list of resolutions. They include:

 - Exercise 4-5 times per week

 - No junk food on week days

 - Tame an ALOT 

 - Write in my blog 1-2 times per week

 - Paint once a week

 - STOP SAYING "I'LL DO IT LATER" (This includes cleaning, dishes, laundry...basically everything I put off on a daily basis. Yes roommates, you can do a happy dance now.)

Am I a writer just because everyone says I am?

People usually tell you what you want to hear - especially if you're a girl. There's some sort of social expectation to tell the girlfriend she doesn't look fat in that lumpy dress and the mother-in-law that you like her cat. Most of us get absurdly offended if we hear something other than what we expect. I mean, I probably wouldn't tell a friend not to go for a girl because she's way out of his league - but I guess guys do that to each other all the time.

(Girls...maybe we should fix that. I mean really...if my love handles look like a love tire, you should be able to tell me. But that's another post.)

But people tell me that I'm a writer. I read back over my stuff though, and it feels like I'm not saying anything new. Nothing new under the sun, type of thing. Everybody always thinks they have something to say that's worth hearing - but really, you waste a few precious seconds of my life when I read that your status that you are flossing, or your tweet that you hate studying. Who CARES. Last time I checked, no one I know dribbles with joy when they open a dry, monotonous textbook. So really, do I have anything unique and valuable to offer in my writing?

I think the only way to answer this question is to write, and maybe someone will find what I say worth their time.