I played in the rain with my husband tonight. Well, more like I was running and skipping and he was hunched over and following me along because he was worried I would "get abducted." It was rather glorious, but kind of cold...it felt so refreshing though after sobbing my eyes out.
I had been reading Bob Goff's book, "Love Does." It's an incredibly frightening book about his life, all about how he whimsically lives out love. It makes you laugh hysterically at his antics while you wonder why your life is so empty compared to his. He just seemed so EXCITED to live each day, even though he emphasizes that each day is a decision. He sort of just...pursued anything he dreamed about, and jumped headlong into things. And he wasn't AFRAID. He didn't seem to be afraid of rejection, failure, disapproval, mockery, or anything else like them which would crush the life out of me.
So eventually, of course, I logically threw my book and pen across the room and hysterically cried my eyes out. How DESPERATELY I have always wanted that fullness of life that would allow me to be whimsical and spontaneous, deeply loving other people because I wasn't so focused on making sure they loved me. It was so utterly painful to see this man describe his life's story as I would rather mine went - full of adventure, miracles, and the impossible achieved.
Instead, when I look at my life, I see a mess. But not just a mess - an average mess, with nothing special or unique about it. I'm so afraid to try at anything scary, so I've just always played things safe, more or less. I was raised in a Christian, middle-upper class home, I was homeschooled until I went to a private high school, and then I went to UT, where my parents went, which is the only school I applied to. When I graduated, I applied to a bunch of jobs and got rejected, so since then I've had a part-time job I was fired from and an internship where they decided not to keep me. Since then I've just been tutoring - no one can fire me in a job where I don't have a boss. Bored yet? Me too.
But I've been hopelessly stuck in this rut of boring averageness, a frightening routine of days coming and going, and rarely feeling full of life. As much as I tell people that they can only find fullness and satisfaction in Christ, I still haven't found it yet. I've had glimpses, but it's like trying to catch a wave on the sand...it slips right through your fingers.
So...I want to try an experiment...but I'm not even completely sure what it looks like yet. I think it involves saying "yes" more instead of thinking of all the reasons of why NOT to do something scary, fun, or beautiful. It's sort of that "Yes Man" movie with Jim Carrey, meets that verse about he who seeks to gain his life will lose it. I just want to stop being afraid - of not having money, of losing my husband, of my family disapproving me, of never having an awesome job, of being worthless...and everything else on my long list of fears. I want to be done with life the way I know it - to just leave all of this crap behind. I'm wondering if that verse "Perfect love casts out all fear" can be true of me...if this works, I officially give up on life as it is, and I'm pursuing this "Love Does" way of life...
So here is Day 1 of trying to love and live instead of fear.
Monday, May 14, 2012
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
On the third day, God created the Remington bolt-action rifle so that Man could fight the dinosaurs, and the homosexuals.
I had a pretty long list of "Thou shalt nots" growing up...thou shalt not engage in sex, drugs or alcohol. Don't listen to music with a beat, even "Christian" music. No smoking. No swearing. No tattoos. No clothes that reveal anything between the neck and knee. I wasn't even supposed to listen to the theme song of the Magic School Bus (one of the few shows I was allowed to watch)! Because of all the rules and regulations, I came to identify myself and other Christians by what we were against, instead of what we were for.
What's interesting about all of this is that we weren't even against ALL sin - just the buzz words, like homosexuality and divorce. For some reason, those things were far more important in our minds than any of the "little sins," and far more indicative of how good of a Christian you were if you avoided them. But things like laziness, selfishness, disobedience, gluttony, apathy, anger, hoarding, unkindness, and others were ignored, minimized, and excused.
Jehu, whose story is found in II Kings, was exactly like this crowd. God hated the sins of Ahab, who was king of Israel, and those of his family (murder, greed, idolatry, etc), and foretold their destruction. So Jehu rose up and totally DEMOLISHED everyone who had anything to do with Ahab and the gods he worshipped. He even said, "Come...see my zeal for the Lord" (10:16). So proud of his own holiness...sound familiar?
But then, the Bible points out that he did not destroy the golden calves that another king had created a while back. There were less worshippers of these idols - so, smaller sins, right? What Jehu DID deal with was good - those things were evil in God's sight. God even blessed him for doing "what is right in My eyes," and promised his descendants would stay on the throne. But II Kings says he was not "careful to walk in the law of the Lord...with all his heart" (10:31). It sounds just like that time in my life growing up - looking so good on the outside, but not careful to discover and repent of the sin on the inside.
Jehu was so hell-bent on killing all of Ahab's house and eradicating the worship of Baal, but so lax in dealing with the idols he was comfortable with. Just a couple of golden calves were ok, especially in comparison with all those Baal worshippers! And that's just it...he fell into the sin of comparison, believing himself to be justified because he looked so much better than the kings that came just before him.
If he had truly been a man after God's own heart, like his ancestor David, he would have fallen many times, yes, but he would have repented in all things. Furthermore, he would have been known not as a man of violence, known for what he was against, but instead as a man who was passionate about God and His people!
So when exactly did we decide that a sports addict was acceptable and a porn addict was not, like Jehu decided that golden calves were fine and Baal was not? In either case, God is not God in their hearts. Why is ignoring the needs of the poor and oppressed (in the world, much less our own cities) acceptable when sex before marriage is not? Why do we accept a selfishness that says we can spend our money on what we want and not tithe, or too busy to serve and disciple, while we snub our noses at the alcoholic? It's all sin, and it's all falling short of God's glory and the standard He sets for His children (Romans 3:23).
What I have learned is that I am not God, and it is arrogant and foolish for me to say what sins matter more to God than others. When the Psalms list the things God hates, they list things like lying, pride and haughtiness, not the buzz words Christians hate so much. I can't excuse these "little" sins in my life any longer, and pretend they are acceptable.
You know what the idol is that I bow and scrape before in my life? Comfort. I don't want to sacrifice, and don't want to put forth effort, I don't want to be inconvenienced. I certainly don't want to step out of my comfort zone and take the time to love people who are uncomfortable to love. How foolish and prideful am I to judge the sins of others when I justify and excuse my own! What is the highest commandment? Love God, and love others. I'm breaking the greatest command of love when I choose to love my schedule, my finances, my comfort level, my self more than those who desperately need to be cared for and loved.
Praise God that Christ died and took the punishment for all this crap I see in my life. Now it's time to deal with all of it, and stop ignoring the parts I've justified and excused.
PS - the title is from Mean Girls, in case you didn't catch that. :)
What's interesting about all of this is that we weren't even against ALL sin - just the buzz words, like homosexuality and divorce. For some reason, those things were far more important in our minds than any of the "little sins," and far more indicative of how good of a Christian you were if you avoided them. But things like laziness, selfishness, disobedience, gluttony, apathy, anger, hoarding, unkindness, and others were ignored, minimized, and excused.
Jehu, whose story is found in II Kings, was exactly like this crowd. God hated the sins of Ahab, who was king of Israel, and those of his family (murder, greed, idolatry, etc), and foretold their destruction. So Jehu rose up and totally DEMOLISHED everyone who had anything to do with Ahab and the gods he worshipped. He even said, "Come...see my zeal for the Lord" (10:16). So proud of his own holiness...sound familiar?
But then, the Bible points out that he did not destroy the golden calves that another king had created a while back. There were less worshippers of these idols - so, smaller sins, right? What Jehu DID deal with was good - those things were evil in God's sight. God even blessed him for doing "what is right in My eyes," and promised his descendants would stay on the throne. But II Kings says he was not "careful to walk in the law of the Lord...with all his heart" (10:31). It sounds just like that time in my life growing up - looking so good on the outside, but not careful to discover and repent of the sin on the inside.
Jehu was so hell-bent on killing all of Ahab's house and eradicating the worship of Baal, but so lax in dealing with the idols he was comfortable with. Just a couple of golden calves were ok, especially in comparison with all those Baal worshippers! And that's just it...he fell into the sin of comparison, believing himself to be justified because he looked so much better than the kings that came just before him.
If he had truly been a man after God's own heart, like his ancestor David, he would have fallen many times, yes, but he would have repented in all things. Furthermore, he would have been known not as a man of violence, known for what he was against, but instead as a man who was passionate about God and His people!
So when exactly did we decide that a sports addict was acceptable and a porn addict was not, like Jehu decided that golden calves were fine and Baal was not? In either case, God is not God in their hearts. Why is ignoring the needs of the poor and oppressed (in the world, much less our own cities) acceptable when sex before marriage is not? Why do we accept a selfishness that says we can spend our money on what we want and not tithe, or too busy to serve and disciple, while we snub our noses at the alcoholic? It's all sin, and it's all falling short of God's glory and the standard He sets for His children (Romans 3:23).
What I have learned is that I am not God, and it is arrogant and foolish for me to say what sins matter more to God than others. When the Psalms list the things God hates, they list things like lying, pride and haughtiness, not the buzz words Christians hate so much. I can't excuse these "little" sins in my life any longer, and pretend they are acceptable.
You know what the idol is that I bow and scrape before in my life? Comfort. I don't want to sacrifice, and don't want to put forth effort, I don't want to be inconvenienced. I certainly don't want to step out of my comfort zone and take the time to love people who are uncomfortable to love. How foolish and prideful am I to judge the sins of others when I justify and excuse my own! What is the highest commandment? Love God, and love others. I'm breaking the greatest command of love when I choose to love my schedule, my finances, my comfort level, my self more than those who desperately need to be cared for and loved.
Praise God that Christ died and took the punishment for all this crap I see in my life. Now it's time to deal with all of it, and stop ignoring the parts I've justified and excused.
PS - the title is from Mean Girls, in case you didn't catch that. :)
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