I Finally Give Up On Life

I played in the rain with my husband tonight. Well, more like I was running and skipping and he was hunched over and following me along because he was worried I would "get abducted." It was rather glorious, but kind of cold...it felt so refreshing though after sobbing my eyes out.

I had been reading Bob Goff's book, "Love Does." It's an incredibly frightening book about his life, all about how he whimsically lives out love. It makes you laugh hysterically at his antics while you wonder why your life is so empty compared to his. He just seemed so EXCITED to live each day, even though he emphasizes that each day is a decision. He sort of just...pursued anything he dreamed about, and jumped headlong into things. And he wasn't AFRAID. He didn't seem to be afraid of rejection, failure, disapproval, mockery, or anything else like them which would crush the life out of me.

So eventually, of course, I logically threw my book and pen across the room and hysterically cried my eyes out. How DESPERATELY I have always wanted that fullness of life that would allow me to be whimsical and spontaneous, deeply loving other people because I wasn't so focused on making sure they loved me. It was so utterly painful to see this man describe his life's story as I would rather mine went - full of adventure, miracles, and the impossible achieved.

Instead, when I look at my life, I see a mess. But not just a mess - an average mess, with nothing special or unique about it. I'm so afraid to try at anything scary, so I've just always played things safe, more or less. I was raised in a Christian, middle-upper class home, I was homeschooled until I went to a private high school, and then I went to UT, where my parents went, which is the only school I applied to. When I graduated, I applied to a bunch of jobs and got rejected, so since then I've had a part-time job I was fired from and an internship where they decided not to keep me. Since then I've just been tutoring - no one can fire me in a job where I don't have a boss. Bored yet? Me too.

But I've been hopelessly stuck in this rut of boring averageness, a frightening routine of days coming and going, and rarely feeling full of life. As much as I tell people that they can only find fullness and satisfaction in Christ, I still haven't found it yet. I've had glimpses, but it's like trying to catch a wave on the sand...it slips right through your fingers.

So...I want to try an experiment...but I'm not even completely sure what it looks like yet. I think it involves saying "yes" more instead of thinking of all the reasons of why NOT to do something scary, fun, or beautiful. It's sort of that "Yes Man" movie with Jim Carrey, meets that verse about he who seeks to gain his life will lose it. I just want to stop being afraid - of not having money, of losing my husband, of my family disapproving me, of never having an awesome job, of being worthless...and everything else on my long list of fears. I want to be done with life the way I know it - to just leave all of this crap behind. I'm wondering if that verse "Perfect love casts out all fear" can be true of me...if this works, I officially give up on life as it is, and I'm pursuing this "Love Does" way of life...

So here is Day 1 of trying to love and live instead of fear.