I played in the rain with my husband tonight. Well, more like I was running and skipping and he was hunched over and following me along because he was worried I would "get abducted." It was rather glorious, but kind of cold...it felt so refreshing though after sobbing my eyes out.
I had been reading Bob Goff's book, "Love Does." It's an incredibly frightening book about his life, all about how he whimsically lives out love. It makes you laugh hysterically at his antics while you wonder why your life is so empty compared to his. He just seemed so EXCITED to live each day, even though he emphasizes that each day is a decision. He sort of just...pursued anything he dreamed about, and jumped headlong into things. And he wasn't AFRAID. He didn't seem to be afraid of rejection, failure, disapproval, mockery, or anything else like them which would crush the life out of me.
So eventually, of course, I logically threw my book and pen across the room and hysterically cried my eyes out. How DESPERATELY I have always wanted that fullness of life that would allow me to be whimsical and spontaneous, deeply loving other people because I wasn't so focused on making sure they loved me. It was so utterly painful to see this man describe his life's story as I would rather mine went - full of adventure, miracles, and the impossible achieved.
Instead, when I look at my life, I see a mess. But not just a mess - an average mess, with nothing special or unique about it. I'm so afraid to try at anything scary, so I've just always played things safe, more or less. I was raised in a Christian, middle-upper class home, I was homeschooled until I went to a private high school, and then I went to UT, where my parents went, which is the only school I applied to. When I graduated, I applied to a bunch of jobs and got rejected, so since then I've had a part-time job I was fired from and an internship where they decided not to keep me. Since then I've just been tutoring - no one can fire me in a job where I don't have a boss. Bored yet? Me too.
But I've been hopelessly stuck in this rut of boring averageness, a frightening routine of days coming and going, and rarely feeling full of life. As much as I tell people that they can only find fullness and satisfaction in Christ, I still haven't found it yet. I've had glimpses, but it's like trying to catch a wave on the sand...it slips right through your fingers.
So...I want to try an experiment...but I'm not even completely sure what it looks like yet. I think it involves saying "yes" more instead of thinking of all the reasons of why NOT to do something scary, fun, or beautiful. It's sort of that "Yes Man" movie with Jim Carrey, meets that verse about he who seeks to gain his life will lose it. I just want to stop being afraid - of not having money, of losing my husband, of my family disapproving me, of never having an awesome job, of being worthless...and everything else on my long list of fears. I want to be done with life the way I know it - to just leave all of this crap behind. I'm wondering if that verse "Perfect love casts out all fear" can be true of me...if this works, I officially give up on life as it is, and I'm pursuing this "Love Does" way of life...
So here is Day 1 of trying to love and live instead of fear.
Monday, May 14, 2012
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
On the third day, God created the Remington bolt-action rifle so that Man could fight the dinosaurs, and the homosexuals.
I had a pretty long list of "Thou shalt nots" growing up...thou shalt not engage in sex, drugs or alcohol. Don't listen to music with a beat, even "Christian" music. No smoking. No swearing. No tattoos. No clothes that reveal anything between the neck and knee. I wasn't even supposed to listen to the theme song of the Magic School Bus (one of the few shows I was allowed to watch)! Because of all the rules and regulations, I came to identify myself and other Christians by what we were against, instead of what we were for.
What's interesting about all of this is that we weren't even against ALL sin - just the buzz words, like homosexuality and divorce. For some reason, those things were far more important in our minds than any of the "little sins," and far more indicative of how good of a Christian you were if you avoided them. But things like laziness, selfishness, disobedience, gluttony, apathy, anger, hoarding, unkindness, and others were ignored, minimized, and excused.
Jehu, whose story is found in II Kings, was exactly like this crowd. God hated the sins of Ahab, who was king of Israel, and those of his family (murder, greed, idolatry, etc), and foretold their destruction. So Jehu rose up and totally DEMOLISHED everyone who had anything to do with Ahab and the gods he worshipped. He even said, "Come...see my zeal for the Lord" (10:16). So proud of his own holiness...sound familiar?
But then, the Bible points out that he did not destroy the golden calves that another king had created a while back. There were less worshippers of these idols - so, smaller sins, right? What Jehu DID deal with was good - those things were evil in God's sight. God even blessed him for doing "what is right in My eyes," and promised his descendants would stay on the throne. But II Kings says he was not "careful to walk in the law of the Lord...with all his heart" (10:31). It sounds just like that time in my life growing up - looking so good on the outside, but not careful to discover and repent of the sin on the inside.
Jehu was so hell-bent on killing all of Ahab's house and eradicating the worship of Baal, but so lax in dealing with the idols he was comfortable with. Just a couple of golden calves were ok, especially in comparison with all those Baal worshippers! And that's just it...he fell into the sin of comparison, believing himself to be justified because he looked so much better than the kings that came just before him.
If he had truly been a man after God's own heart, like his ancestor David, he would have fallen many times, yes, but he would have repented in all things. Furthermore, he would have been known not as a man of violence, known for what he was against, but instead as a man who was passionate about God and His people!
So when exactly did we decide that a sports addict was acceptable and a porn addict was not, like Jehu decided that golden calves were fine and Baal was not? In either case, God is not God in their hearts. Why is ignoring the needs of the poor and oppressed (in the world, much less our own cities) acceptable when sex before marriage is not? Why do we accept a selfishness that says we can spend our money on what we want and not tithe, or too busy to serve and disciple, while we snub our noses at the alcoholic? It's all sin, and it's all falling short of God's glory and the standard He sets for His children (Romans 3:23).
What I have learned is that I am not God, and it is arrogant and foolish for me to say what sins matter more to God than others. When the Psalms list the things God hates, they list things like lying, pride and haughtiness, not the buzz words Christians hate so much. I can't excuse these "little" sins in my life any longer, and pretend they are acceptable.
You know what the idol is that I bow and scrape before in my life? Comfort. I don't want to sacrifice, and don't want to put forth effort, I don't want to be inconvenienced. I certainly don't want to step out of my comfort zone and take the time to love people who are uncomfortable to love. How foolish and prideful am I to judge the sins of others when I justify and excuse my own! What is the highest commandment? Love God, and love others. I'm breaking the greatest command of love when I choose to love my schedule, my finances, my comfort level, my self more than those who desperately need to be cared for and loved.
Praise God that Christ died and took the punishment for all this crap I see in my life. Now it's time to deal with all of it, and stop ignoring the parts I've justified and excused.
PS - the title is from Mean Girls, in case you didn't catch that. :)
What's interesting about all of this is that we weren't even against ALL sin - just the buzz words, like homosexuality and divorce. For some reason, those things were far more important in our minds than any of the "little sins," and far more indicative of how good of a Christian you were if you avoided them. But things like laziness, selfishness, disobedience, gluttony, apathy, anger, hoarding, unkindness, and others were ignored, minimized, and excused.
Jehu, whose story is found in II Kings, was exactly like this crowd. God hated the sins of Ahab, who was king of Israel, and those of his family (murder, greed, idolatry, etc), and foretold their destruction. So Jehu rose up and totally DEMOLISHED everyone who had anything to do with Ahab and the gods he worshipped. He even said, "Come...see my zeal for the Lord" (10:16). So proud of his own holiness...sound familiar?
But then, the Bible points out that he did not destroy the golden calves that another king had created a while back. There were less worshippers of these idols - so, smaller sins, right? What Jehu DID deal with was good - those things were evil in God's sight. God even blessed him for doing "what is right in My eyes," and promised his descendants would stay on the throne. But II Kings says he was not "careful to walk in the law of the Lord...with all his heart" (10:31). It sounds just like that time in my life growing up - looking so good on the outside, but not careful to discover and repent of the sin on the inside.
Jehu was so hell-bent on killing all of Ahab's house and eradicating the worship of Baal, but so lax in dealing with the idols he was comfortable with. Just a couple of golden calves were ok, especially in comparison with all those Baal worshippers! And that's just it...he fell into the sin of comparison, believing himself to be justified because he looked so much better than the kings that came just before him.
If he had truly been a man after God's own heart, like his ancestor David, he would have fallen many times, yes, but he would have repented in all things. Furthermore, he would have been known not as a man of violence, known for what he was against, but instead as a man who was passionate about God and His people!
So when exactly did we decide that a sports addict was acceptable and a porn addict was not, like Jehu decided that golden calves were fine and Baal was not? In either case, God is not God in their hearts. Why is ignoring the needs of the poor and oppressed (in the world, much less our own cities) acceptable when sex before marriage is not? Why do we accept a selfishness that says we can spend our money on what we want and not tithe, or too busy to serve and disciple, while we snub our noses at the alcoholic? It's all sin, and it's all falling short of God's glory and the standard He sets for His children (Romans 3:23).
What I have learned is that I am not God, and it is arrogant and foolish for me to say what sins matter more to God than others. When the Psalms list the things God hates, they list things like lying, pride and haughtiness, not the buzz words Christians hate so much. I can't excuse these "little" sins in my life any longer, and pretend they are acceptable.
You know what the idol is that I bow and scrape before in my life? Comfort. I don't want to sacrifice, and don't want to put forth effort, I don't want to be inconvenienced. I certainly don't want to step out of my comfort zone and take the time to love people who are uncomfortable to love. How foolish and prideful am I to judge the sins of others when I justify and excuse my own! What is the highest commandment? Love God, and love others. I'm breaking the greatest command of love when I choose to love my schedule, my finances, my comfort level, my self more than those who desperately need to be cared for and loved.
Praise God that Christ died and took the punishment for all this crap I see in my life. Now it's time to deal with all of it, and stop ignoring the parts I've justified and excused.
PS - the title is from Mean Girls, in case you didn't catch that. :)
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
The Reason for God's Wrath
Ever read Ezekiel all the way through before? I haven't. I have not ventured much into the angry and confusing world of the Old Testament prophets where all I thought I'd see is a story on repeat of an angry God condemning Israel and surrounding nations. I love the typical Protestant image of God as being loving and merciful no matter what we have done, and I find most of that in the New Testament. It feels safer there - I don't have to deal as much with God killing people left and right, or with having to try to justify and explain that to my horrified, merciful little heart.
We've been going through Romans in our Gateway College Bible study however, and I've had to wrestle with plainly stated truths of predestination as well as free will, and passages that talk about "vessels of wrath" and about those among Israel "who were chosen and obtained it," and how "the rest were hardened." Is this the merciful, forgiving God that I thought I knew? It's the age-old question of how a loving God could send people to hell, one that I try to avoid because of difficult answers I don't want to hear.
But as God has taken me slowly through Scripture over the past couple of months, He showed me this painful idea that I have seen substantiated again and again in His Word: my God is glorified both by His loving grace and His just wrath. Perhaps for some of you, this idea is less than groundbreaking, but for me, it shook my world. He then began to clarify this idea for me in Ezekiel today, and I was floored, abhorred, then awed by what I found.
This prophetic book began with Ezekiel explaining his breathtaking, frightening vision of God coming to him in a cloud, radiating heat and surrounded by powerful, horrific creatures that constantly give Him glory. God then commissions Ezekiel to speak His words to the Israelites, calling them to repentance and urging them to remember that He is their true God. He commands this prophet, saying, "Speak my words to them whether they listen or not, for they are a rebellious people." He presses on this man that he must give them a chance to turn from their sin, even though the Lord knows they will not (3:7). He later says, "He who hears, let him hear; and he who refuses, let him refuse" - God allows them to choose their own way, even if it is the way of destruction. What I see here is that God gives us a way out - even when He knows we won't take it.
The Israelites refuse God's mercy, and He allows them to do so. Then in response to the idols and "abominations" done in His holy sanctuary, He allows them to experience the consequences they chose for themselves. What follows is a horrific description of how the plague, famine and the sword will come, and how fathers and sons will be forced to eat one another (5:10). But then I saw something striking and humbling - God reveals His own pain in Ezekiel 6:9: "Then those of you who escape will remember Me among the nations to which they will be carried captive, how I have been hurt by their adulterous hearts which turned away from Me, and by their eyes which played the harlot after their idols..." We, friends, have the ability to hurt the God of the universe! We cause Him a pain similar to what we feel when we have been cheated on and abandoned (see Hosea)!
While I've theoretically known this, I don't think I've ever seen God express His pain, only His wrathful response. I think most of us who have followed the Lord for a while know about this, but then we have the nerve to condemn God for His just reaction to us willfully inflicting heartache on our Maker. We think we should be able to belittle and deny God as the majestic Authority in our lives and experience none of the repercussions. We expect God to honor our conceptions of our rights to be able to do and say and believe whatever we want without His attempt to correct the lies, arrogance and rebellion we walk in.
And that's just it - God declares His reasons for His drastic actions by saying over and over again throughout Ezekiel and the rest of Scripture: "Thus you will know that I am the Lord." That's it. He urges us to take our heads out of the sand, open our eyes, and know truth. But if we slap away His hand of mercy over and over again, we don't even accept the mercy we demand that He tries to give us! So He shows us the truth of His glory the hard way - through His powerful, destructive wrath.
But here's the hope in all of this...God says later in Ezekiel that He has "no pleasure in the death of anyone who dies" (18:32). By contrast, Ephesians 1 says He planned our redemption, our way out by means of His painful sacrifice, with pleasure. While He is glorified by both His grace and His justice, He takes delight only in our salvation. So the gravity and horror of the punishment that He inflicted on His people Israel, the same punishment we all deserve, He took on Himself so that history would not solely be the picture of our rebellion and His wrath. He inflicted this same wrath on His own Son so that the image of the glory of His powerful love would outshine that of His regretful anger. Jesus Christ chose to experience the overwhelming wrath that He knew so well so that we would not have to experience it. All we have to do is recognize that He IS the Lord, and accept His sacrifice as covering our own blatant sin.
If you ask me, that's a story of mercy right there.
We've been going through Romans in our Gateway College Bible study however, and I've had to wrestle with plainly stated truths of predestination as well as free will, and passages that talk about "vessels of wrath" and about those among Israel "who were chosen and obtained it," and how "the rest were hardened." Is this the merciful, forgiving God that I thought I knew? It's the age-old question of how a loving God could send people to hell, one that I try to avoid because of difficult answers I don't want to hear.
But as God has taken me slowly through Scripture over the past couple of months, He showed me this painful idea that I have seen substantiated again and again in His Word: my God is glorified both by His loving grace and His just wrath. Perhaps for some of you, this idea is less than groundbreaking, but for me, it shook my world. He then began to clarify this idea for me in Ezekiel today, and I was floored, abhorred, then awed by what I found.
This prophetic book began with Ezekiel explaining his breathtaking, frightening vision of God coming to him in a cloud, radiating heat and surrounded by powerful, horrific creatures that constantly give Him glory. God then commissions Ezekiel to speak His words to the Israelites, calling them to repentance and urging them to remember that He is their true God. He commands this prophet, saying, "Speak my words to them whether they listen or not, for they are a rebellious people." He presses on this man that he must give them a chance to turn from their sin, even though the Lord knows they will not (3:7). He later says, "He who hears, let him hear; and he who refuses, let him refuse" - God allows them to choose their own way, even if it is the way of destruction. What I see here is that God gives us a way out - even when He knows we won't take it.
The Israelites refuse God's mercy, and He allows them to do so. Then in response to the idols and "abominations" done in His holy sanctuary, He allows them to experience the consequences they chose for themselves. What follows is a horrific description of how the plague, famine and the sword will come, and how fathers and sons will be forced to eat one another (5:10). But then I saw something striking and humbling - God reveals His own pain in Ezekiel 6:9: "Then those of you who escape will remember Me among the nations to which they will be carried captive, how I have been hurt by their adulterous hearts which turned away from Me, and by their eyes which played the harlot after their idols..." We, friends, have the ability to hurt the God of the universe! We cause Him a pain similar to what we feel when we have been cheated on and abandoned (see Hosea)!
While I've theoretically known this, I don't think I've ever seen God express His pain, only His wrathful response. I think most of us who have followed the Lord for a while know about this, but then we have the nerve to condemn God for His just reaction to us willfully inflicting heartache on our Maker. We think we should be able to belittle and deny God as the majestic Authority in our lives and experience none of the repercussions. We expect God to honor our conceptions of our rights to be able to do and say and believe whatever we want without His attempt to correct the lies, arrogance and rebellion we walk in.
And that's just it - God declares His reasons for His drastic actions by saying over and over again throughout Ezekiel and the rest of Scripture: "Thus you will know that I am the Lord." That's it. He urges us to take our heads out of the sand, open our eyes, and know truth. But if we slap away His hand of mercy over and over again, we don't even accept the mercy we demand that He tries to give us! So He shows us the truth of His glory the hard way - through His powerful, destructive wrath.
But here's the hope in all of this...God says later in Ezekiel that He has "no pleasure in the death of anyone who dies" (18:32). By contrast, Ephesians 1 says He planned our redemption, our way out by means of His painful sacrifice, with pleasure. While He is glorified by both His grace and His justice, He takes delight only in our salvation. So the gravity and horror of the punishment that He inflicted on His people Israel, the same punishment we all deserve, He took on Himself so that history would not solely be the picture of our rebellion and His wrath. He inflicted this same wrath on His own Son so that the image of the glory of His powerful love would outshine that of His regretful anger. Jesus Christ chose to experience the overwhelming wrath that He knew so well so that we would not have to experience it. All we have to do is recognize that He IS the Lord, and accept His sacrifice as covering our own blatant sin.
If you ask me, that's a story of mercy right there.
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
The road to hell is so well-paved...
I tend to sugarcoat my words with these rather lovely intentions that rarely make an appearance in my actions. I love the sound of being fit and healthy and bidding a final farewell to my cushy muffin top - eating well and exercising is, of course, the way to go as they say. I fancy the idea of being an artist and painting like I used to - everyone should have a creative outlet. I always claim to love the great outdoors and its relative list of activities - wouldn't it be nice to be described as the "active type" that goes and does breathtaking hikes and leisurely canoe trips? I also would like to be able to classify myself as one of those people who just always seem to know who the best underground bands are. I've also described myself as a writer and list it as my ideal job...but I don't write.
Why do I like the idea of things far more than the physical action?
I just don't seem to have much gumption, grit, or motivation. I choose junk food and avoiding the gym, never picking up a paint brush, staying inside, and KISS FM. Why do I never do the things I say I want to do? I always have a reason not to...no time, no energy, not in the mood, the weather...the sky is blue today...whatever.
Why do I like the idea of things far more than the physical action?
I just don't seem to have much gumption, grit, or motivation. I choose junk food and avoiding the gym, never picking up a paint brush, staying inside, and KISS FM. Why do I never do the things I say I want to do? I always have a reason not to...no time, no energy, not in the mood, the weather...the sky is blue today...whatever.
So where do intentions and actions miss each other? Why do I put myself in this box of what my life looks like every freaking day, where complaints and excuses take the place of substantive progress? I'm in a place right now where I'm figuring out what I actually value, and what just has a nice ring to it for me. I think there's a difference between intentions and RESOLVE...I think the latter has a determination that translates into figuring out what needs to be done differently so that change actually happens. As a Christian and someone who is learning to live by the Spirit and by faith, rather than my own lazy and selfish desires, I'm trying to understand what it looks like to act on His strength rather than my own. Because, looking at my track record, I pretty much fail at change. My day is paved with idealized intentions that never actualize or take me anywhere.
I've learned this much so far: just worry about changing this current moment. I can't even handle the idea of will-powering through a whole day. So I'm just taking it hour by hour, and asking God what the best thing is that I can be doing with that time. He's been doing this sumo wrestler tap dance on my heart to write, so I'm GOING to write. I just will, no excuses. He has only given me one body, His "temple" as He calls it in Scripture, so I have to figure out how to get myself to the gym and NOT buy the fried delicious Mighty Cone I had today...plus it's a way to honor my husband.
So I'll start there. Writing, gyming. It's going to happen.
I've learned this much so far: just worry about changing this current moment. I can't even handle the idea of will-powering through a whole day. So I'm just taking it hour by hour, and asking God what the best thing is that I can be doing with that time. He's been doing this sumo wrestler tap dance on my heart to write, so I'm GOING to write. I just will, no excuses. He has only given me one body, His "temple" as He calls it in Scripture, so I have to figure out how to get myself to the gym and NOT buy the fried delicious Mighty Cone I had today...plus it's a way to honor my husband.
So I'll start there. Writing, gyming. It's going to happen.
Saturday, April 9, 2011
Letting Go
For all my brother and sisters in Christ, learning to let go of something:
My hands are bruised and broken from all the things You've pried from me. My heart is black and battered from the wounds You've set upon me. I hold up angry, swollen fists to fend You off, yet You keep pushing ever closer, and I'm up against the wall. You gently grab my hands and unclench my tightened fingers, as I fight back bitter tears and watch with helpless eyes. Your sad expression belies the stripes and wounds You gave, until You show me Yours, trailing down Your back and piercing limbs and side. You then take out a vessel made of clay, and pour out blood and water over all my cuts and wounds. It soothes and stings, as only healing can, and soaks into my skin, dripping from both hands. My anger lessens now, my bitter tears turned broken, and I slide down the wall to the ground. You kneel next to me, touch my cheek and whisper lovingly, "I am the Healer. See? The wounds on your hands are gone, I have covered them with Mine. But for Me to heal and free your heart, you must trust Me, seek Me, wait on Me, then I will do the rest. Like a child, you grasp at things you desire, but that will hurt you in the end. I can pry these things from you, but to change the desires of your heart, we must work as one. Look to Me to see if what you hold is safe, and I will keep you from all harm, and teach you what is good. Only then will your desires even be fulfilled, for I will be the One to grant them."
My hands are bruised and broken from all the things You've pried from me. My heart is black and battered from the wounds You've set upon me. I hold up angry, swollen fists to fend You off, yet You keep pushing ever closer, and I'm up against the wall. You gently grab my hands and unclench my tightened fingers, as I fight back bitter tears and watch with helpless eyes. Your sad expression belies the stripes and wounds You gave, until You show me Yours, trailing down Your back and piercing limbs and side. You then take out a vessel made of clay, and pour out blood and water over all my cuts and wounds. It soothes and stings, as only healing can, and soaks into my skin, dripping from both hands. My anger lessens now, my bitter tears turned broken, and I slide down the wall to the ground. You kneel next to me, touch my cheek and whisper lovingly, "I am the Healer. See? The wounds on your hands are gone, I have covered them with Mine. But for Me to heal and free your heart, you must trust Me, seek Me, wait on Me, then I will do the rest. Like a child, you grasp at things you desire, but that will hurt you in the end. I can pry these things from you, but to change the desires of your heart, we must work as one. Look to Me to see if what you hold is safe, and I will keep you from all harm, and teach you what is good. Only then will your desires even be fulfilled, for I will be the One to grant them."
Isaiah 30:18-21
18Therefore the LORD longs to be gracious to you,
And therefore He waits on high to have compassion on you
For the LORD is a God of justice;
How blessed are all those who long for Him.
19O people in Zion, inhabitant in Jerusalem, you will weep no longer He will surely be gracious to you at the sound of your cry; when He hears it, He will answer you.
20Although the Lord has given you bread of privation and water of oppression, He, your Teacher will no longer hide Himself, but your eyes will behold your Teacher.
21Your ears will hear a word behind you, "This is the way, walk in it," whenever you turn to the right or to the left.
Isaiah 53:5
But he was pierced for our transgressions,
he was crushed for our iniquities;
the punishment that brought us peace was on him,
and by his wounds we are healed.
he was crushed for our iniquities;
the punishment that brought us peace was on him,
and by his wounds we are healed.
Thursday, February 17, 2011
When life by faith sucks.
So I've been job searching for 3 months now. I was only part-time before, so I wasn't making enough to have savings, and I've been scraping by. I tutor Spanish and English/Writing and I've done a couple of projects for social media marketing, and that's what I've lived on - that and God's grace. Every month, I haven't known how I was going to pay the bills, but God has always provided. And that's great, I've really had to learn to trust that He's got these details taken care of.
But when I got interviews with four different companies in two weeks, I thought all the waiting, all the anxiety with money, was over and DONE with. I started visualizing all the clothes I was going to buy (MAN have I missed shopping!), the money I was going to save, dinners I could take my boyfriend out to instead of him always having to pay...I worked out this whole budget. Why would you do that when you don't have a job offer, you ask? Well, my roommates say I'm not a pessimest, I'm not a realist, and I'm not even an optimist - I'm an idealist who acts like my fantasies are reality instead of just a possibility. I even bought perfume a few days ago (ah, the luxury!) because I assumed I'd have a job in a few days and wouldn't have to be so frugal.
Then the e-mails started coming in - I didn't get the job at CMP; nor the job at buildasign.com; and I haven't even heard back from DMX when I was supposed to a week ago. So there's just one job left that I haven't heard from. My dreams have been shot, my fantasies ended, and what hope remains lies on a single job where I still have steep competition from three others. My anxiety has made every muscle taut with fear and frustration as the never-ending job search looms over me again.
I know I should trust. I should surrender my worry and apparition of control over to the God who has so faithfully provided every step of the way. But walking by faith is exhausting. I feel drained, disappointed, disillusioned, discouraged. So where do I go from here? How do I respond?
When we get to these places in our lives where we are faced with the reality of how little control we have over anything, we have a choice. We can fight to manipulate the situations and people that affect us through dedication or deceit, emotion or effort, talent or thought - but still face pain, heartache, and disappointment. Or, we can come to terms with the truth that we are not the gods of our worlds. There is too much that we cannot foresee or plan for, too much we cannot guard against. Death, disease, the economy, war, the thoughts/emotions/actions of others, car wrecks, plane crashes, whether or not our significant other will cheat on us, the weather...need I go on? When we are faced with the vast multitude of things we cannot control, we have to let go, or the sheer number of things to fear will overwhelm and defeat us where we stand.
Yes, surrender of this magnitude to an unseen God with an unknown plan is frightening. But I know His character. I know that He loves me deeply, knows me intimately, and provides for me wisely. He recently gave me Romans 12:2, and told me to focus on Him (Is 26:3-4), and He would both give me peace even in the midst of all this uncertainty, and reveal "His good, perfect, pleasing will" to me. So yes, life by faith may really suck - especially right now - but I would not have it any other way. I'm not going to fight for a control I can never actually have and forfeit the peace offered me.
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
New Year = Magic Powers
Well, I obviously lost all momentum in blogging...shocker. It IS the new year though...maybe I'll write more as a new year's resolution.
It's funny how often I've heard the phrase, "It's my new year's resolution" over the past week. It's like the stars align in January and magically give us super powers to accomplish what we've put off for months - or years, if there wasn't enough "magic" in past new years' powers. So if it's to lose that stubborn 20 pounds, organize that hurricane of a desk, pay off that credit card, or just be a "better" person, we all seem to be divinely (though temporarily) inspired to better ourselves.
Obviously, January grants no celestial endowment of self-discipline (or whatever it is we find ourselves lacking). So it's like we all decided we need an annual "second chance" that would make now somehow different from before. This psychological trick then gives us that momentum that makes things seem easier. It's our temporal placebo that fools us into thinking some dreaded obstacle is more doable.
But then, perception is reality, right? So if we perceive said obstacle as suddenly attainable (even though nothing in reality has changed), perhaps the change in mindset is all the "magic powers" we need in order to accomplish something. So...huzzah for magic sugar pills and self-deception.
It's funny how often I've heard the phrase, "It's my new year's resolution" over the past week. It's like the stars align in January and magically give us super powers to accomplish what we've put off for months - or years, if there wasn't enough "magic" in past new years' powers. So if it's to lose that stubborn 20 pounds, organize that hurricane of a desk, pay off that credit card, or just be a "better" person, we all seem to be divinely (though temporarily) inspired to better ourselves.
Obviously, January grants no celestial endowment of self-discipline (or whatever it is we find ourselves lacking). So it's like we all decided we need an annual "second chance" that would make now somehow different from before. This psychological trick then gives us that momentum that makes things seem easier. It's our temporal placebo that fools us into thinking some dreaded obstacle is more doable.
But then, perception is reality, right? So if we perceive said obstacle as suddenly attainable (even though nothing in reality has changed), perhaps the change in mindset is all the "magic powers" we need in order to accomplish something. So...huzzah for magic sugar pills and self-deception.
P.S. In case you're wondering, yes. I have a mental, unofficial list of resolutions. They include:
- Exercise 4-5 times per week
- No junk food on week days
- Tame an ALOT
- Write in my blog 1-2 times per week
- Paint once a week
- STOP SAYING "I'LL DO IT LATER" (This includes cleaning, dishes, laundry...basically everything I put off on a daily basis. Yes roommates, you can do a happy dance now.)
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